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Don’t Laugh News Challenge: Very Mad Daddy

Don’t Laugh News Challenge: Very Mad Daddy

(funky music) (news intro) – [Announcer] From west
Hollywood, California the only news team that doesn’t know what’s on the teleprompter
before they read it. Anyone who laughs, or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. (news intro) – Good evening and
welcome to Breaking News. The show where we don’t
know what we’re about to say and where we’re not
allowed to smile or laugh. I’m Slender Pork Chop. – And my name is Tickles. – Our lead story tonight:
Daddy came back to the today and was very mad. – Daddy said the kitchen was
dirty and Daddy wanted food. – And mad Daddy sure was hungry. – Mad Daddy left to get food. – Mad Daddy like big burger. – Mad Daddy came back with a fat patty. – Mad Daddy ate and went
to sleep on the chair. – If you’ve just joined us, Daddy is mad he ate a burger patty, and is now asleep. We’ll make sure to get
you more Daddy updates as they come in. – Allergy season is back. So if you’re a sneezy little thing remember to avoid those scary flowers. – Bad news for allergy mutants. And now punching you hard
with some sports news it’s Punchy Pete. – That’s right! It’s sports time! I’m Punchy Pete. Peach, Punchy Peach. And I’m Peachy, and punchy. The minor league Farmingdale Penises are facing a team suspension after they were caught
doping with Jelly Belly’s. Coach Penis, who can only speak in the language of the penises defended the team at a press
conference saying, and I quote “Penis penis.” After the statement, Mr.
Penis swayed back and forth and waddles off repeatedly
muttering the P word. And by that, I do mean “penis.” – Sorry to interrupt Punchy but we’re getting an update from the homosexual deer community. – The homosexual deer are bravely protesting forest inequality. – The deer have been lining
up next to the highway and chanting, “We’re here,
we’re queer, we’re deer.” – And now let’s finish
up sports with Punchy. – We turn now to hockey. Ding dong! Who’s there? How about the Boston Bruins. What do they do? Well, they showed up for
dinner and they are hungry. I hope you got meat ’cause
this team will eat it raw and then burn down your house. This is phenomenal team who will piss on the ashes of
your house after they burn it. I predict this year
we’re gonna go turn it up and dance on their own piss taunting you the homeowner of the house. These guys are fierce,
and if you have insurance the whole team will show
up to terrify that you to testify that you burned
down your own house. These guys mean business. They’re going to the top and you’re going to prison
for arson and insurance fraud. Back to you! – Thanks homeslice. A local study on men’s
health recently revealed that police chief Gary has diarrhea. – Sad to hear. Wait, we’re getting an update on Daddy. It seems Daddy is mad again because of the garage
reeks of raccoon piss. – Mad Daddy says “Raccoons are getting
in the pissy garage.” – Mad Daddy called the garage
“A total raccoon piss fest” and went to call animal control. – But on Daddy’s way to the phone he slipped on spilled juice. Mad Daddy stormed out of
the house covered in juice. – That story’s developing. – We’ll keep you up to the minute thanks to Daddy’s daughter,
sweet little Lucy. And now with the celebrity news,
let’s go over to Van Bones. – Thanks. – Folks, he’s a lady’s man but I’m not talking about the Fonz. I’m talking about the
actor who played the Fonz Henry Winkler. Last night Henry and
his longtime wife Stacy cuddled up to their favorite
rom-com Bridget Jone’s Diary. But during the movie we heard there was a
major make out session. Seems like there marriage
is in great shape. In other news, Hollywood power couple Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen were spotted at Horton’s diner. Allegedly they ordered
a couple of biscuits and they were splitting a
bowl of gravy to dip in. They were both doing crossword puzzles and sometimes they’d look
up at each other and smile. I’ll bet that’s so nice. I think about getting kisses all the time and it makes me smile so
much that I want to cry. A kiss, one kiss would
just be the greatest. And if you’d like to meet me for a soda and maybe some kisses in the
parking lot after the soda please tweet at the station. Back to you! – Thanks Van. And we’ve just gotten word
that after Daddy left the house he accidentally stepped
in a bucket of (beep). – When Daddy came back to the house he had juice on his body
and poop on his foot. Mommy kept asking why
there was a bucket of poop? – Mad Daddy realized how
ridiculous the situation was what with the bucket of
poop, and he started to laugh a big, deep man laugh. Now, he’s glad Daddy. – It’s nice when a story
has a happy ending. That’s all for us today,
but before we go we’ll say that our loser today is David Cyr Kerns. – [Punchy] What? – [Tickles] Thanks for watching! – No, really? – Daddy’s gonna be mad. – Daddy’s gonna be real mad. – Hi. I still don’t know what I’m about to say because I’m a big, stupid idiot. If you like that video, you can go to hell and then you can go to to start your free trial today. For every episode of
Breaking News that’s here there’s another episode only
available on Until next time I’m Grant O’Brien which is Irish for Grant of Brien.

100 comments on “Don’t Laugh News Challenge: Very Mad Daddy

  1. That was definitely one of the weakest episodes of breaking news, which is normally my second favorite of your regular shows. Really the only good bit was the one about the deer.

  2. Katie powered through this sketch, with the help of five ounces of cocaine. She could see the words before they even appeared on the teleprompter.

  3. We need a champions round: Katie, brennan, Trapp, Lily( she was preety stonefaced in the two I've seen her in.) Make them write one other person's lines, would be amazing.

  4. even though I'm not supposed to… I LOVE these News xD

    Its nicw to both see new faces and known. I get the feeling some are better than others… how about a Royal Round, with the best reportetrs (who laughed the least and extra hard news) or a "extra shift" for those, with the most "awards" and than lets see who will winthat time ^^

    i got a little scared for sweet little lucy, but I'm glad that she got a glaf faf in the end ^^

  5. katie is too good at this. i think it actually makes it less fun to watch since it's just perfect deadpan deliveries. the best one so far was with Amy Vorpahl losing her shit

  6. Of course Katie is good at this.. coke can get your jaw all locked up, preventing a smile.

    Is Katie's fake cocaine addiction still a thing?

  7. I actually saw several deer beside the highway on my drive home this evening. I didn't realize they were protesting.

  8. David deserved better :(( he seemed a bit nervous but I think he'd make a fantastic cast member. Editor did him dirty!!

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